How to confront your fear of confrontation

Do you struggle to express yourself?
Do you agree to things that you don’t want to do?
Do you avoid any kind of conflict or confrontation?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you are likely to feel frustrated, envious or ‘put upon’ at times. Others may sense your reluctance to get involved in any kind of dispute and push through their ideas, leaving you feeling resentful or disrespected. In these situations you might give an outward appearance of being ok with their behaviour, but inside the indignation can build. As the ‘need’ to avoid confrontation remains, you might become hostile or sullen. An inability to express your opinion or stand up for yourself can leave you feeling powerless, angry or depressed. This can lead to passive-aggressive behaviour.

What is passive aggressive behaviour?

Passive-aggressive behaviour is the expression of hostility in an indirect way. Those who lack the confidence to be assertive may demonstrate their resentment through procrastination and stubbornness, e.g. by deliberately failing to complete tasks for which they are responsible or being late for something important (thus inconveniencing or causing stress to the person who has upset them).

The problem with being passive-aggressive

Thinking and behaving in a passive-aggressive way can prevent you from achieving your objectives. Constant fretting (or fuming) can be distracting and hold you back.
If you keep silent there will be an assumption that things are alright. People may not be conscious that their actions have upset you, so they are unlikely to modify their behaviour.
When your anger finally erupts, your behaviour may seem unreasonable, OTT and illogical to others. Your irrational behaviour will become the focus and what you are saying is likely to be missed and you may just seem foolish or unhinged.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is an ineffective strategy. As a way of communicating it is totally useless. People cannot read your mind or ‘know’ why you are behaving as you do.

How good would it be to be confident instead?

Of course confidence is not something that is natural to everyone, but it can be learnt. Yes, really! It takes a little courage to step out of your normal pattern of doing things; it also takes thought and practise to make it a habit. Becoming confident and assertive is likely to lead to a happier, healthier and more fulfilled life. Modelling confident people is a good way of learning new, positive behaviours. We’ve all heard the expression ‘fake it until you make it’ and that’s what you’ll be doing. The more you do it, the easier, more natural and automatic it will become
Here are some of the traits of confident, assertive people

They articulate opinions and beliefs in a logical and composed manner
They take on board the comments and opinions of others
They are neither hostile nor submissive
They look people in the eye and have open body language
They appear secure in themselves

Ways to self-assurance

Be aware of your body language; keep your head up and maintain eye contact
Speak slowly and clearly to increase your chances of being heard and understood
Be kind to yourself and others; if you want to be heard, you must listen well too
Remember to be authentic; be true to yourself

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