Are you seeking change this year?

Are you enjoying your life? I know it's a big question and the answer to this may vary depending on when you answer. So, if I narrowed my question down, would you say that you are doing something you chose to do (and love) or have you just found yourself where you are? Do you wish your week away and live for the weekend? Maybe you are missing out on enjoying 'now' by waiting for a holiday, graduation or even retirement to bring you what you seek? Maybe the important question is: Are you happy with where life is taking you? If the answer to this is 'No' then you certainly won't be alone, but are you waiting for something to change or are you planning to act?

Many people choose to live passively (yes, it is a choice) and just allow life to 'happen to them' rather than putting themselves in the driving seat. This is especially true when they are merely unfulfilled, rather than desperately unhappy. Sometimes it takes a near-death experience or the loss of a loved one to spur us on to do what we always wanted to do.

The reasons that we live our life the way that we do can be complex. We may adopt a passive or helpless stance because it's what we have witnessed in our care-givers, or as a response to life events. These past experiences shape the way we view things and therefore how we behave. In one way or another all 'content' stored in our minds has been 'filtered' through an unconscious process of deletion, distortion or generalisation. Our minds absorb an external event and then we put our own personal spin on it. This means that we often see things in a way that 'fits' with our outlook or 'model of the world'. For example, two or three people could witness the same event, yet describe it very differently.

How you see your future is affected by your beliefs. Many of us carry around 'baggage' and have unconsciously made limiting decisions about ourselves. It is these decisions that so often prevent us from creating the future that we want. It doesn't have to stay that way though. Once we become aware of our self-imposed 'blocks' and appreciate our role in their construction, we can set about changing or removing them. This can be done through self-development programmes, self-help books, positive affirmations, or with the help of a therapist or coach.

It is possible to change our old perceptions in order to create the future we want. A new year is upon us and new opportunities await us all. So what's stopping you? Do you want to let life happen to you or are you ready to take your place in the driver's seat?

Small Business Saturday - Resilience!

I’ve been a small business owner for more than 30 years.  When I first started out I ran a fashion business and travelled the length and breadth of the UK, showing other small (and large) businesses my samples, liaising with home workers and factories and exhibiting at fashion trade shows.  Whilst I was successful and I enjoyed it, the recession of the 80’s led to me reluctantly giving up my small business. For a short while I worked for someone else before considering what I really wanted to do next.

I loved working with different people and having a flexible approach to work so I looked again for a new purpose and business opportunity. When a friend told me that she’d qualified as I reflexologist, I decided to explore this option and soon signed up to train as a complementary therapist and then a hypnotherapist. 

Over the years I’ve had practices in many different locations; from renting rooms in gyms and beauty salons before taking on a lease for my current premises; my therapy centre in Durnsford Rd, Wimbledon Park. 

I recently became aware of the Small Business Saturday, a grass-roots campaign that celebrates small businesses and encourages people to “shop small” and it’s inspired me to write about one of the most important traits anyone, not just a small business owner can possess.  That is to be resilient.

As a small business owner I know that life is not always smooth, there are bills to be paid, clients to be looked after and unforeseen expenses.  Just recently a police car on a high-speed chase crashed into the front of my centre and I’ve had to be resilient and creative and make things work as best they can and keep the business open.

Thankfully resilience is a skill that you can learn; it’s not an innate talent that people have from birth.  Many of us have a habit of continually thinking about something that has gone wrong or is worrying us, but instead of thinking of solutions we are continually revisiting the problem.  By focusing our attention and spending just a few 20-minute sessions writing about the issue, our thoughts and feelings and where we would like to be instead we can change how we feel about the situation.  By giving a structure to the process and the time to reflect only on that issue we can exercise the creativity of our minds. 

Our challenges can leave us feeling as though we are alone in the world, so it’s always beneficial to take the time to reach out and connect with others.  By cultivating a strong community, “shopping small” and really getting to know the people and businesses in your neighbourhood you’ll learn that there are people that you can count on in times of struggle and that will help you feel more resilient.  This is a lesson that I’ve learned in my years of small business ownership which has spread into my daily life.

How to attract healthy relationships

I was talking to a friend the other day about her recent break-up and she said that she didn’t like how her partner spoke to her at times. Having been through an abusive relationship in the past, she’d begun to feel uncomfortable about her current partner’s change of tone and attitude.

Although there are no hard and fast rules about communication between couples, there are a few guiding principles of common courtesy and respect. In my experience, people whose self-esteem is low are more likely to tolerate rude, disrespectful or abusive language from partners. This may be in everyday communications or when there is some disagreement or conflict, but either way, it doesn’t feel good. Those with higher self-esteem will find such language unacceptable believing rightfully that they deserve to be treated better whatever is going on at the time.

Whilst someone with low self-esteem may not like being spoken to harshly or critically, on some level they may believe they aren’t worth better treatment or more respect. Even if they feel it is unjustified, the fear of losing the relationship may lead them to accept what others would consider unacceptable. Those with a more healthy self-regard aren’t afraid to walk away from relationships and people who are critical, abusive, disrespectful or manipulative.

So how do you set boundaries or send a clear signal to others about what is acceptable behaviour? Naturally, you need to set an example; you can’t expect someone to treat you with courtesy if you are sometimes rude or neglectful of them. Then you need to treat yourself as you would someone you love, respect and cherish. Partners will learn what you find acceptable based on the way you treat yourself and others. Don’t make excuses for a partner whose language or behaviour makes you feel bad; you will just be giving them a signal that you are prepared to accept disrespect.

Be true to your values and be clear with yourself about how you want to be treated. Don’t stay around people whose language or actions don’t fit with your principles or codes of behaviour. If you find yourself (as my friend did) distressed or puzzled by a partner’s speech or actions, be prepared to ask yourself those difficult questions about how healthy or functional your relationship is or in what way you might be sending a message that this is ok. Being clear about what you want and expect from a relationship is an important step towards increasing your self-esteem and attracting more functional relationships into your life.

I'm fine, but I'm not fine

Do you ever deny that anything is wrong and insist that you are fine when you are upset or distressed about something or someone’s behaviour? Are you afraid to upset the other person, preferring to be upset yourself? Are you concerned that they will be cross with you? If so, do these concerns lead you to people-pleasing behaviour that ends up in a build-up of bitterness that you feel unable to express?

Failing to share your discontent can result in rumination and resentment that festers below the surface triggering feelings of low self-worth. A common mistake is to believe that the person who has upset you or acted in a way that has caused you to feel upset, knows what they are doing and is ignoring your feelings. The automatic conclusion to this thought may be that you are deemed by them to be unimportant, which only increases any negative feelings.

If withdrawal or sulking is how your feelings ‘leach out’ this will probably be noticed by others eventually, but they may not be aware of what has occurred, or who has done what to prompt your silence or change of mood. If the ‘offender’ is someone with whom you have a close relationship, they may recognise your pattern and ‘know’ that they have done something to upset you, but be unclear what it is. Depending on your relationship with this person they may attempt to discover the cause of your unhappiness, thus providing the attention perceived to be lacking initially. This attention might then boost, temporarily, your perceived level of importance to them; if they didn’t care, they wouldn’t enquire, would they?

This, along with more covert passive-aggressive behaviour (which will be explored in a future article) is manipulative behaviour which rarely delivers the desired outcome long-term. This is because it keeps you in ‘victim status’ and relies on ‘the perpetrator’ noticing that something is wrong and taking steps to put it right. In situations such as these, you are waiting for someone else to make you feel ok and this is a very flawed strategy; you might end up feeling worse if the person doesn’t notice or doesn’t care enough to make the effort to enquire, listen, acknowledge or accept their role in your unhappiness.

Rather than covertly blaming the other person for their misdeed, it is far better and more rewarding to communicate your feelings assertively. This may feel like a very large leap if you are accustomed to keeping quiet and saying you are fine, but it will pay dividends in the self-esteem stakes. Start out with expressing your opinions on non-controversial matters in order to build your confidence and progress to more challenging or emotionally charged topics later. You will need to be brave but the rewards are worth it. If it seems too big a step to take alone, sign up for an assertiveness class or book to see a therapist who can help you to work towards a satisfying and self-assured life.

Weight loss hypnotherapy

We frequently hear about new diets and nutrition advice and it seems that everyone has an opinion. The information we receive however is often conflicting and the benefits of a particular approach are not always clear or fully explained.

The plethora of diet tips in the media may include avoiding eating carbs after 6pm, not to mix carbs and protein or maybe to ‘fast’ for certain days of the week or to ‘detox’ our bodies. Advice from public health officials tends to be more ‘conventional’ - to always eat breakfast or to count calories and so on. But what happened to listening to our own body’s messages? Maybe listening to our own hunger signals would be more beneficial than advice from others?

Nutrition information (and misinformation) in the media and on the web can increase confusion about what to eat or avoid in order to be healthy or lose weight. Certain foods, such as oils and fat or carbohydrates become ‘demonised’. Some clients who have disordered eating become extremely anxious about particular foods and become obsessed with healthy eating (Orthorexia).

When you become more tuned into your body’s needs, rather than your weight or size, changes can occur quickly and naturally. Being mindful of what you are actually putting in your mouth is a good first step, as is treating your food with consideration, and paying it the attention it deserves. Making eating a conscious activity is essential to avoid unconscious grazing and inevitable weight gain. By simply eating slowly and consciously you can make a real difference to how much you consume. If you’d like help to re-programme old patterns, give me a call and book in with me for weight loss hypnotherapy.

The good thing about fear

Fear is often considered a negative thing, but fear has a valid purpose; to protect us from danger. It is a defensive response that serves to protect us or keep us safe. There can be many reasons why we might experience fear; some may be legitimate risks while others may be considered exaggerated or ‘over the top’. An elevated sense of fear or perception of what is ’dangerous’ is usually described as anxiety.

Anxiety is often described as ‘Fear spread thinly’ but if you are experiencing severe anxiety or panic, it may not feel ‘thinly spread’. Feeling frightened or expressing fear may be considered by others (or yourself) as a sign of weakness, but many people who experience anxiety are high achievers who are far from weak. Those who experience fear frequently often feel misunderstood. When fear is excessive or unfounded it can hold you back from reaching your potential or living the life you want. This can be frustrating and distressing.

Apart from anxious behaviour, anxiety manifests in physical symptoms too. It is often said that every thought has a physiological response and this is true. Our bodies and minds are intrinsically connected and what affects the body will affect the mind and vice versa. Anxious thoughts can result in poor sleep, rapid heartbeat, panic attacks, digestive difficulties and many other physical health challenges.

Anxiety is a future based emotion and the worries and ‘what ifs’ that continuously run through the mind can impact negatively on your confidence and wellbeing. To reduce the fear or rid yourself of it you can use a number of approaches. You can release physical tension in your body through exercise, such as dance, yoga, tennis or jogging. The form of exercise you choose needs to be something you enjoy doing or it will feel like another pressure. In addition to discharging stress in the body, it’s good to learn how to control your thoughts and stop them running away with you. This might sound easier said than done, but it really is achievable through practise.

Hypnotherapy is an effective way to re-frame unhelpful thought patterns and is one of the best treatments for anxiety. Hypnosis is a very relaxed state and clients always leave feeling calmer than when they arrived. I teach self-help techniques to my clients in therapy sessions and also provide self-hypnosis recordings that can be used between sessions. All of these can make a real difference to how you think and react and leave you feeling back in control... and that’s a nice thought isn’t it.