Is your 'yes' causing you stress?

Have you ever found yourself saying ‘Yes’ when what you really wanted to say was ‘No’? Many of us have done it at some time, I’m sure: ‘Yes’ I will babysit on Saturday night; or ‘Yes’ I’ll swap my work shift with you’.  We’ve said ‘yes’ mostly because we don’t want to upset someone or experience their disapproval; we want to be liked. Being compliant and agreeable may initially make us feel at ease and happy because we’ve pleased someone else and expect them to value us or maybe feel indebted. There can be a price to pay for this ‘people-pleasing’ behaviour though, because it means we set up an internal struggle which ultimately leads to disappointment or resentment.

Too often we expect something in return for being nice; whether that is tangible or intangible, and we may not get that ‘quid pro quo’. Saying what we think the other person wants us to say, may also disappoint, if the person was seeking a genuine response. Instead of ‘win-win’ it can be ‘lose-lose’ to be untruthful; if we are not true to ourselves we can feel used and abused. To ‘blame’ the other person for taking advantage or for being inconsiderate is unfair; it is our responsibility to say what we mean, rather than expect them to ‘know’ what we mean, even if it isn’t what we actually said. The ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’ syndrome is an ineffective strategy and is likely to result in resentment sooner or later. Allowing this type of feeling to fester can often lead to conflict at some point; possibly at an inappropriate time.

If you find that you frequently say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’, you may want to consider the reasons you have become so compliant.  Was it something you learned?  Were arguments or negative comments not acceptable in your earlier life?  Did people not listen to you? Becoming more assured, assertive and expressing yourself honestly, will not only improve your relationships with others, but more importantly with yourself. Next time you are tempted to say something you don’t mean in order to please or appease another, pause and then say what you really mean. If this proves impossible for you or leaves you feeling stressed or anxious, it may be the time to seek the help of a therapist to change those ingrained behaviours, patterns and underlying beliefs.