Worried about being a good mum to your newborn?

Becoming a mother is supposed to be one of the greatest times in a woman’s life, but for many, the stresses and anxieties seem to outweigh the pleasures. Some women say they are left feeling alone or in the wrong, as what they’ve read on the web and what they are experiencing don’t seem to match up.

The good news is that it’s natural to feel this way and you are not alone! If you want to avoid feeling inferior or inept, view what you read as just one person’s opinion. By all means do some online research as well as reading books by professionals, but make sure that what you’re reading has a good provenance, that the author is reputable and that any research is recent; expert advice has changed dramatically over the years. Remember too that there never has been, and never will be, a ‘one size fits all’ way to do things. It is OK to make mistakes because that’s how we learn. It’s all about experience.

If however, you are finding that you’re constantly worrying about your baby’s health or that your worries are becoming all-consuming, you may be suffering from anxiety. Symptoms of anxiety include insomnia, hyper-vigilance, irritability, and fatigue, but this is not an exhaustive list. You can expect to feel tired if you’re not getting a full night’s sleep due to feeding, but if you’re awake because you’re fretting or over-thinking, or are constantly checking on your baby because you fear some calamity, you may want to seek some professional support. It’s important to get help to reduce your anxious thinking, or it could end up becoming a longer term disorder which might lead to depression. 

Whilst your new-born will need your attention, it’s important to make time for yourself too, to bring some balance to your life. It doesn’t matter how long or short your ‘me-time’ is, but it is important that you have some. You might want to read your favourite (non baby-related) magazine, pop out for a coffee or have your hair or nails done.  These may seem frivolous things to do, but they can provide a break from ‘baby world’. The shock of going from independent woman, to 24/7 ‘mum’ can be a difficult transition. Loss of identity can contribute to what is trivialised by the term ‘baby blues’. If you make time to ‘take five’ it can do wonders; all the other stuff will still be there later, it may just feel less overwhelming after you’ve had a quick re-set or enjoyed some adult company.  

Simple steps to Mindfulness

Mindfulness, a type of meditation, has been shown to have a positive effect on our health, from better sleep to improved mood and diminished anxiety. In our hectic, technology-driven lives, the ancient practice of mindfulness is more valuable than ever. Mindfulness doesn’t have to take up a lot of time to be worthwhile. A few minutes of Mindfulness in the morning can allow you to start the day calm and with perspective.

Focus on one thing
Many of us lead very busy lives and think non-stop. Smartphones and tablets make multi-tasking all too easy. Attempting to do (and think about) several things at the same time can leave us drained and exhausted. Before you become stressed or overwhelmed, step away from the madness physically or mentally and ponder on the things to be thankful for. Taking time out to reflect on what’s good in your world or simply ‘being in the now’ rather than worrying about the future, can help to reduce stress and act as a ‘pick-me-up’.

Take breaks
In a working environment, it can be all too easy to work non-stop. Skipping breaks or eating lunch while surfing the net allows no opportunity to switch off. An inbox full of emails and a very long ‘to-do’ list, can make taking a break seem un-doable, but your brain and body need time to recharge and restore itself, to avoid mental and physical fatigue. Take regular breaks to stretch your legs and re-focus throughout the day and at lunchtime make an effort to go outside, get some fresh air and just enjoy the present moment.

Eat Consciously
Consuming too many sweet or unhealthy foods not only impacts on your weight but your emotions and general well-being too. Choosing healthier options at mealtimes will impact positively on your mood and emotional state as well as your physical self. To help you to do this, practise Mindfulness before your meal. Turn off any gadgets and really focus on what you’re about to eat. Eat slowly and savour each mouthful. Notice the taste and texture of the food and take pleasure in it. Eating consciously, rather than unconsciously will often help reduce the volume of food you eat.

Be aware of others
Meditation might be seen as an introspective behaviour, but the practise of Mindfulness can change how we view and consider others. Doing something that will benefit others can really improve self-esteem and well-being. Living your life in a mindful way will reap rewards both at work and at home; spreading contentment amongst your colleagues, friends and family as well as you. Win-win!

Tips to reduce anxiety - Part 2

Everyone experiences anxiety differently and what will stress out one individual will not faze another. Therapy for help to break anxious thinking patterns is very helpful and hypnotherapy is a great way to make changes. It's also good to remember that we can learn ways to control our reactions to triggers. Here are some helpful tips that you can apply yourself to help you to manage your thinking patterns. 

Stop Thinking, Start Doing

Do you spend ages internally debating what to do whenever you need to decide on something? Do you worry about the consequences of making the ‘wrong’ choice? Maybe you have a ‘gut feeling’ but don’t trust your intuition. Or perhaps you do act on your ‘inner voice’ but only after running every scenario through your mind first. Weighing up the pros and cons of a situation is fine of course, as long as you just do it once! Dithering for days or weeks (or more!) before making a decision is time-consuming, exhausting, and keeps you in a stuck state; the more you fret, the less you do!

Rein in your irrational thoughts

Do you find yourself focusing on the worst possible outcome in a situation? Do you have ‘runaway’ thoughts that get increasingly negative or extreme? Perhaps your thoughts follow a familiar pattern that always ends in an imagined ‘disaster’. You may appreciate that these thoughts are irrational, but feel you have no control over them. Distraction is what is needed here. When you find yourself starting down this track, Stop! Get busy with something else; no-one is anxious all the time and when you are absorbed in something else, you can forget to stress. Yes, really!

Put the past in the past
Do you re-run conversations, thinking how things would have been if you had said or done something
different? Do you ‘rehearse’ various outcomes or imagine how others would have responded if you’d said the ‘right’ thing or done something ‘better’? Ruminating in this way leads to depression, as the inability to change things can leave a sense of helplessness. Focus on the present and leave the past in the past. Running a post-mortem on past conversations or events doesn’t change anything except your mood! 

Meditation and self hypnosis to reduce anxiety

For many, reducing stress, gaining a sense of inner peace or finding a meditation course is on a list of New Year’s resolutions.  If you’ve never been, the thought of a meditation class (or anything new and different) can provoke significant anxiety.  It’s not well understood what you actually do once you are there and there is often a real sense of fear about turning up and ‘doing it wrong’.
Perhaps you’ve tried meditation before and discovered exactly how difficult it can be to still your internal chatter.  The process of slowing down, of sitting still might seem to bring your thoughts rushing to the forefront of your mind, clamouring for attention.  “What am I going to do after this?” “What should I have for lunch” “Am I doing this right?” “Am I doing this the same as everyone else?

You’ll probably find that eventually, your mind begins to quiet.  You’ll find a way to bring your attention to your breath, focusing fully on breathing in and breathing out.  Within that space there is a focus and a concentration, but there’s also a sense of stillness.  It’s definitely not that you’re doing nothing, but you probably won’t be able to quite explain what it is that you are doing. You will however discover a sense of peace and acceptance that is very beneficial.

There’s a lot of evidence that meditating can assist with reducing anxiety. Mindfulness (a style of meditation) has become extremely popular over the last few years because of the benefits to mental health associated with it. Classes are being held in schools and it is has also been introduced into large corporations to reduce stress and to improve performance.

Mindfulness and meditation are not relaxation techniques, but are likely to instill a sense of calm. By paying attention to your breathing, becoming focused on your senses and being ‘in the now’ you can enjoy a stillness that can really help to reduce anxious thinking and depressive thoughts.
If learning meditation isn’t for you, then you might find hypnosis or self-hypnosis is easier. In hypnosis you can access similar relaxed, yet focused states of mind. In my role as a hypnotherapist I regularly teach my clients self-hypnosis, often using a Mindfulness approach. Learning these easy techniques can help anxious clients to have a greater sense of control of their mood or state of mind.

Does the prospect of Christmas fill you with dread?

If Christmas fills you with dread rather than excitement, you won’t be alone, although it could feel that way. It may be that at every other time of the year you are confident, happy and have plenty of friends and acquaintances with whom to spend time, but once it gets to December 25th, it’s different. Perhaps you are part of a couple who argue about whose family to spend time with, or maybe you feel duty bound to visit relatives you don’t much like or who don’t appear to care much for you!
If you are ‘running’ Christmas it can be emotionally as well as physically exhausting. Too often there is self imposed pressure to make everyone’s Christmas perfect and to ensure that each person, young and old, has their own ideal day. This is not only unrealistic, it is a guaranteed way to set yourself up for disappointment or distress; it’s impossible to please all the people all the time! We often tell ourselves that we have to make sure that everyone is happy and that we mustn’t let anyone down, but what about you? Who is looking after you and making you happy?
Christmas shouldn’t be about duty or spending time with people you don’t like or don’t get on with. It’s far more important to spend time with people you care about and if you can’t do that, why not consider doing something different. If you don’t fancy Christmas alone, you could book a holiday or volunteer somewhere; charities often need extra help at Christmas and you might get a warm glow from helping someone else. Not everyone has a Christmas filled with love and laughter, surrounded by people who are easy to please or be around. So why not put yourself and your mental health first this year and take the low stress option; give yourself permission to make this year different.

Do you envy other's success?

Who hasn’t compared themselves at some time with a classmate, colleague, friend or family member? Maybe your old school friend achieved better exam results or got a better job. Maybe a work colleague drives a smarter car or has a higher salary. Maybe a friend or relative has a nicer house or goes on more exotic holidays. 

Have you felt despondent, envious or self critical as a consequence? If you have compared yourself to these seemingly ‘successful’ people and found yourself coming up short, perhaps you are only looking at half the picture. Is what you are concluding about other people really true? They may have the obvious trappings of wealth, but can you really tell how their life, job or relationships are? What evidence do you have that they are wealthier or more successful than you and what about their happiness? On the face it of things may seem perfect in their world, but have you got any real evidence for that? By making assumptions, which may well be incorrect, you put yourself in a position of uncertainty and self doubt. 

Depending what type of person you are, you might consider copying them, or doing what they do; in NLP this is called modeling. You might decide however that you are lacking in some way; that you are devoid of the requisite skills to succeed or worse still that you haven’t the ‘right’ sort of personality. By drawing comparisons with others, rather than focusing on your strengths, you are likely to feel discouraged or despondent. This way of thinking is disempowering. 

A better way is to recognise and value your own talents and abilities. You might also choose to compare yourself, your situation or your results with others who are less fortunate. Success means different things to different people and measuring yourself against others is rarely helpful. Even if you consider that you have done better than someone else, this doesn’t mean you are a better person or a happier one!

To be truly successful (whatever that means to you) it’s essential that you remain true to yourself. It’s vital that you appreciate and acknowledge your own personality and unique skills and abilities. When you do this, you will begin to see yourself differently and give up the destructive pattern of comparison and internal criticism.

Do your negative thoughts run away with you?

Everyone has internal dialogue; the things we say to ourselves in our head. This is a normal process and unless our ‘head chatter’ is non-stop or prevents us from relaxing and switching off we needn’t be concerned.

What we say to ourselves however will determine the way we feel and behave. If you are confident (or kind to yourself) you will naturally feel more optimistic. If you are self-critical or put yourself down, you will inevitably feel bad! It is therefore really important to be aware of our thinking as the types of thoughts we have will impact directly on our self-image and general wellbeing.

Catastrophising is a term that is used to describe the process of dramatic, negative thinking or exaggerated interpretations that lead to an imagined dramatic or catastrophic outcome. It is our thoughts that make us anxious, not life events.

If this process of catastrophising is something familiar to you or you recognise that your thoughts are causing you to feel negative towards yourself or others, you might need to work on changing your thinking. Continuing to think in this way will mean that you will continue to feel less good than you could; anxious or stressed.

But changing how you think needs practise; you need to train yourself to think differently. So where do you start? Well, you will need to challenge, rather than accept your negative thoughts. When a thought comes into your mind, you can ask yourself, ‘Are there any other possible options? Could it be any different to what I have assumed? Could I have misunderstood something/someone? Is there any evidence for my belief/assumption?

By getting in the habit of questioning your ‘ Negative Automatic Thoughts’ or ‘NAT’s’ you will start to switch some of your negatives into the positives. You will probably notice that you not only feel better about yourself, but more tolerant and less judgemental of others. If you ‘interrupt’ yourself when you say anything critical about yourself (out loud or in your head) and you replace these harsh words with something more ‘friendly’ your thoughts about yourself will slowly begin to change. If you teach yourself to become more alert to your thought patterns and the effect they have on you, you can make changes that can help you to adopt a different perspective.

If you recognise that you have negative or anxious thought patterns or find it hard to manage irrational or unhelpful thoughts, give me a call or send me an email. Hypnotherapy could provide a pleasant alternative