Do you envy other's success?

Who hasn’t compared themselves at some time with a classmate, colleague, friend or family member? Maybe your old school friend achieved better exam results or got a better job. Maybe a work colleague drives a smarter car or has a higher salary. Maybe a friend or relative has a nicer house or goes on more exotic holidays. 

Have you felt despondent, envious or self critical as a consequence? If you have compared yourself to these seemingly ‘successful’ people and found yourself coming up short, perhaps you are only looking at half the picture. Is what you are concluding about other people really true? They may have the obvious trappings of wealth, but can you really tell how their life, job or relationships are? What evidence do you have that they are wealthier or more successful than you and what about their happiness? On the face it of things may seem perfect in their world, but have you got any real evidence for that? By making assumptions, which may well be incorrect, you put yourself in a position of uncertainty and self doubt. 

Depending what type of person you are, you might consider copying them, or doing what they do; in NLP this is called modeling. You might decide however that you are lacking in some way; that you are devoid of the requisite skills to succeed or worse still that you haven’t the ‘right’ sort of personality. By drawing comparisons with others, rather than focusing on your strengths, you are likely to feel discouraged or despondent. This way of thinking is disempowering. 

A better way is to recognise and value your own talents and abilities. You might also choose to compare yourself, your situation or your results with others who are less fortunate. Success means different things to different people and measuring yourself against others is rarely helpful. Even if you consider that you have done better than someone else, this doesn’t mean you are a better person or a happier one!

To be truly successful (whatever that means to you) it’s essential that you remain true to yourself. It’s vital that you appreciate and acknowledge your own personality and unique skills and abilities. When you do this, you will begin to see yourself differently and give up the destructive pattern of comparison and internal criticism.

Do your negative thoughts run away with you?

Everyone has internal dialogue; the things we say to ourselves in our head. This is a normal process and unless our ‘head chatter’ is non-stop or prevents us from relaxing and switching off we needn’t be concerned.

What we say to ourselves however will determine the way we feel and behave. If you are confident (or kind to yourself) you will naturally feel more optimistic. If you are self-critical or put yourself down, you will inevitably feel bad! It is therefore really important to be aware of our thinking as the types of thoughts we have will impact directly on our self-image and general wellbeing.

Catastrophising is a term that is used to describe the process of dramatic, negative thinking or exaggerated interpretations that lead to an imagined dramatic or catastrophic outcome. It is our thoughts that make us anxious, not life events.

If this process of catastrophising is something familiar to you or you recognise that your thoughts are causing you to feel negative towards yourself or others, you might need to work on changing your thinking. Continuing to think in this way will mean that you will continue to feel less good than you could; anxious or stressed.

But changing how you think needs practise; you need to train yourself to think differently. So where do you start? Well, you will need to challenge, rather than accept your negative thoughts. When a thought comes into your mind, you can ask yourself, ‘Are there any other possible options? Could it be any different to what I have assumed? Could I have misunderstood something/someone? Is there any evidence for my belief/assumption?

By getting in the habit of questioning your ‘ Negative Automatic Thoughts’ or ‘NAT’s’ you will start to switch some of your negatives into the positives. You will probably notice that you not only feel better about yourself, but more tolerant and less judgemental of others. If you ‘interrupt’ yourself when you say anything critical about yourself (out loud or in your head) and you replace these harsh words with something more ‘friendly’ your thoughts about yourself will slowly begin to change. If you teach yourself to become more alert to your thought patterns and the effect they have on you, you can make changes that can help you to adopt a different perspective.

If you recognise that you have negative or anxious thought patterns or find it hard to manage irrational or unhelpful thoughts, give me a call or send me an email. Hypnotherapy could provide a pleasant alternative

Too much tech? Make time for Mindfulness

How’s your attention span? Do you find it difficult to concentrate when you’re surrounded by tech? Are you easily distracted by beeping emails or texts on your phone?  Employers report that this constant assault on your senses has a detrimental effect on productivity. Restricting the use of tech however, can have a detrimental effect too, as many people describe feeling stressed if they ignore the call of their devices.

Technology has come on in leaps and bounds over the last decade or so, enabling almost instant communication. But this improved and convenient communication can affect our peace of mind as well as our productivity. It appears that our attention spans are diminishing rapidly as a consequence of this ‘never off’ communication.   Our brains have become expert multi-taskers which is not always a good thing.

Excessive multi-tasking makes us less able to be efficient as we no longer know how to prioritise. This lack of ability to prioritise makes us stressed and affects the work-life balance and we are able to pay attention less and less. So how can we fix this? What tools will help us to connect with our environment and give us the ability to appreciate life?

One antidote to tech anxiety is Mindfulness Meditation. Improving mental ability through the use of mindfulness has seen huge growth in its use in the corporate world.  Employees coached in the techniques have greater mental clarity and are definitely less prone to stress. This leads to better decisions and increased output.

With mindfulness training you can become equipped with strategies and solutions enabling you to clear your mind and stay peaceful in the present before you get stuck into those emails with past messages. Calming the mind, even for a few minutes, enables you to clear your thoughts and prioritise your day.

Prioritising helps to reduce feelings of anxiety, such as a fear of not keeping up and drowning in a sea of work.  Mindfulness enables the brain to decide which information it is important to engage with and what can be ignored. Mindfulness teaches us that it about doing the right things, not a lot of things!

Eating with appreciation

Hunger might prompt us to eat, but many of us eat for reasons other than hunger. We might eat because we're bored, fed up or upset or by contrast, when we’re happy or celebrating a special occasion. Whether the reason is positive or negative, we often eat unconsciously; eating without paying attention or with appreciation.

When you eat consciously you can develop a better relationship with food and with yourself. Every time we eat we are making an impact on our body. When we eat unconsciously, it is easy to over-eat or fill ourselves up with unhealthy food or ‘empty’ calories. Naturally this contributes not only to weight gain, but other impacts on our health. Eating slowly and mindfully helps us to pay attention to what we are eating and how we eat. Do we bolt our food, eat on the hoof or eat while we’re absorbed in something else? We are far less likely to consider the quality or quantity of the food we put in our mouth if we are pre-occupied.

So what is Mindful Eating? Eating mindfully simply means being attentive; thinking about what you're putting into your mouth. It includes the whole process of eating, and focuses on your senses. Noticing how the food looks and how it smells, aware of the texture and taking the time to really taste the food. By eating in this way you can not only change your eating routine but increase your appreciation of the food too.

Adopting mindful or appreciative eating means you are more likely to make a conscious choice about the quality of the food; its nutritional value and the portion size. You’ll become more tuned into your body’s signals; able to distinguish between true ‘belly’ hunger and emotional eating triggers. You’ll also notice when you’re satisfied (rather than full) and stop eating before you’re stuffed.
So if you find yourself thinking about food, pause and check in with your stomach. Ask yourself "Am I hungry?" If you recognise that the urge to eat is not caused by true belly hunger, reflect on what you need to do or what is needed that isn’t food.

To learn more about mindful eating, contact me for a free consultation.

Dysfunctional Attitudes and Disordered Eating

As recently as ten years ago, anorexia was something that the general populace hadn’t heard of in many remote parts of the world. This was largely due to the lack of access to television. When it arrived, things changed quickly and significantly and the influence of Western imagery, particularly on teenage females, was immense. Before they had access to TV, teenagers in these regions were not purging themselves or taking other drastic measures in an effort to control their weight. Perhaps unsurprisingly, data has shown that those teenagers who had access to TV and who were exposed to western-style programmes were more inclined to develop unhealthy eating attitudes than those without TV.

Not everyone exposed to Western media is bulimic or anorexic of course. This suggests that it is much more complicated than exposure to media images. It is likely that this simply exacerbates pre-existing inclinations. People with both healthy and unhealthy BMI’s (Body Mass Index) have been diagnosed with eating disorders, so it is not just about being thin. Eating disorders are complex and the focus needs to be shifted from BMI to how people think about food and how they feel about their weight and body image. Increasingly, males are being diagnosed with eating disorders, which in the past, was considered a problem that only young women developed.

Individuals who are prone to being obsessive, depressive or who are perfectionists are often extremely self-critical. Dissatisfaction with the body can be a catalyst for disordered eating and this can be exacerbated by cultural icons and images. Vulnerable individuals may then conclude that smaller and thinner is better. Those who suffer from anorexia are driven not only by thoughts of getting thinner and eating less but also by being in control. Those who binge on food, often do this to block an emotional void or emptiness and try to fill this ‘gap’ through overeating. The guilt and self-loathing that follows will often lead to purging.

How much the TV or media we are exposed to and how often it triggers eating issues is difficult to measure precisely, as there are always other factors. A recent BBC article stated that "up to an estimated 40,000 people suffer from anorexia in France, nine out of 10 of them women and girls. And a US Study reported up to 90 percent of American women report they feel dissatisfied with their bodies, and that of teenage girls, 44 percent believed they were overweight and 60 percent were trying to lose weight".

These are disturbing statistics and as a global society, we need to review our attitudes to shape, size and attractiveness. If we focused on people’s achievements, rather than appearance, healthier role models would be created. It is extremely concerning that in the 21st century, women are still described by their shape, size or hair colour. We need to promote the message that being skinny isn’t better and being a size zero or having a thigh gap is not a measure of attractiveness, nor a laudable achievement.

Are you holding yourself back?

On track or out of sorts?

Are you getting what you really want from life or do you often feel snowed under, worn out or miserable? If the latter, it may be due to a number of or reasons or a cumulative effect. Frequently it can be due to poor self-belief or a lack of confidence. Self-doubt can contribute to feeling overwhelmed, out of control or directionless. But how do you conquer those unhelpful feelings and learn how to construct a better world for yourself?

Where do you want to go?

Life tends to be easier for those who know exactly where they want to go. With this in mind, why not ask yourself, what your destination is. So often we don’t fully think this through, or if we do, we find lot of excuses as to why none of it will be possible: ‘I’m not smart enough’, ‘I’m no good at .....’, ‘I couldn’t....’, ‘I will never earn that amount of money...’ Over time we don’t even realise we’re holding ourselves back and so become incapable of lifting our own blocks.

The role of social Conditioning

Many of our behaviours are learnt or influenced by work mates, family and friends and we hold back on showing our feelings, especially those that are negative. By keeping our true thoughts hidden and conforming to the ‘social norm’ we can experience devastating mental and emotional blocks which prevent us from reaching our goals and finding real meaning in our lives.

Where is self-fulfilment?

Our lives may seem simpler and easier when we focus on tangible stuff such as our work or domestic life. We attempt to cheer ourselves up by being materialistic, thinking about money and spending that money on buying lots of possessions. By distracting ourselves in this way, we avoid looking inwards or confronting our fears; we lose touch with what is truly valuable and become unable to measure our own worth.

What to do next?

Recognising our negative thoughts or beliefs is the first step to letting them go and moving towards our life goals. It is important to remember however that things cannot be achieved because of what others think of us or how much we have, we have to learn to find the value in ourselves.

Tips to Reduce Your Anxiety - Part 1

There is no set format for anxiety; something that one person takes in their stride might send another person into a spin. Most of us get anxious at some point about something, and the anxiety we feel will affect us in different ways. Those who don’t typically get anxious will usually recover from a brief period of extreme stress or panic triggered by an event or a predicted event, then return to a state of equilibrium.

For those who experience elevated levels of stress or anxiety more frequently, life may feel less harmonious. During a period of panic it may be difficult to envisage a time when those thoughts and symptoms won’t be present. This is how people can start to consider anxiety as their identity; as part of them and their personality, rather than a pattern of behaviour that can be changed. It is important to remember that whilst we may be unable to change a particular event, we can learn to control our reaction to it.

Know your triggers

What can be a good first step is to take a few moments to analyse yourself honestly. Do you tend to feel more anxious at a particular time of day for instance? For some people anxiety strikes on waking and for them, imagining the day ahead can seem overwhelming. For others lying in bed trying to fall asleep at night can feel impossible, as the events of the day play through the mind making it hard to switch off mentally. Is there a particular person or people who make you anxious when you're around them? Do any specific scenarios set off a catastrophic chain of thought, such as dealing with a work colleague, starting a new job, going somewhere unfamiliar? For some, watching the news can set off alarm, especially after tragic events overseas or at home.

Try to gather as much information about your patterns by asking yourself these types of questions and noting your responses. This will help you to get a clear picture of what makes you anxious. You may find it helpful to make a record of these triggers by noting down in a mood diary whenever you start to feel anxious and what you are doing at the time. Doing this enables you to become more aware of what sets off an anxious cycle and may help you to modify your behaviour in order to minimise them. By using this method, what can also be revealed, is that there are times where anxiety isn’t present and this can be a helpful for keeping things in perspective.