Positive Habits = Positive Results

Do you wish you could remain calm and confident  in a crisis? Would you like to remain upbeat and optimistic as life throws you challenges? If the answer is 'yes' then maybe it's time to learn the secrets of resourceful people; those who understand that they need to take responsibility for their responses and the outcome.
Why not try some of the suggestions below; the strategies of resourceful people - you may find life becomes less stressful and more rewarding.

Learn how to 'roll with the punches'.
Accept that life isn't always fair and that sometimes we need to simply 'suck it up' and get on with life. There will always be situations that we can't change or are out of our control, but we do have control over our thoughts (or can learn this) so you can choose how to respond to emotional events. Decide which challenges are worth your energy and which you can let go.


Be Mindful.
When you dwell on past mistakes or worry about what's going to happen in the future, you're not allowing yourself to live fully in the moment. Focus on what's going on right now and enjoy today; today is the only time you can act. Consider learning Mindfulness meditation; the more you practise it, the more natural it becomes.

Resist playing it safe.
It may seem the sensible option for some, but if you always do this, you leave yourself no room for growth, nor the possibility of achieving greatness. Taking risks can be scary, but trying something new can lead to new possibilities. If the risk results in what we may deem as failure, don't use this as an excuse to give up. Learn from it and think about what could be done differently next time. If no-one ever took risks in life the world would be a very dull place. 

Don't be 'a pleaser'.
If you need the acceptance of others in order to validate yourself you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Of course it's nice to be liked, but the reality is that not everyone is going to like you. We all 'gel' with different people and that's ok. Your wellbeing doesn't depend on anyone else's approval. Important to note too, is that people will respond to what we project; if you see yourself as unimportant, you're likely to be treated accordingly.  By accepting yourself as you are, you are likely to gain acceptance and respect from others too. Set relationship boundaries by being honest about your feelings and say 'no' when necessary.

Spend quality time alone.
Enjoy 'hanging out' with yourself and use these times to do things that bring you pleasure. Pursue a hobby, learn something new, read a book (or write one!). Even 'doing nothing' can allow you to re-connect with yourself and what makes you happy. Realising that you don't need to have company in order to feel good about yourself can help you become more confident, self-sufficient and resourceful.    

I hope you found these ideas and strategies helpful. They are by no means exhaustive and don't represent a 'roadmap' to happiness, but they're certainly worth applying in your day to day life. You will almost certainly notice a shift in how you feel cabout yourself and  your life and experience the empowerment that comes from taking responsibility for your own wellbeing and self-esteem. If you find that you are still 'stuck' in a negative state and would like some help, just give me a call or email.

Has your 'get up & go' got up and gone?

If you've ever felt that you're stuck in a rut or life has got you down, rest assured you're not alone. At these times it can be difficult to find the motivation or inspiration to do anything, but doing nothing results in nothing changing and this low and uninspired state continues. It can be all too easy to externalise the cause and 'blame' life events for our mood, but we are responsible for, and in control of our emotional state. Yes, really.

I've often heard people say that they've lost their 'mojo' but what they have lost (or mislaid) is their passion, energy, motivation - their 'joie de vivre'. Maybe you've experienced this too. A seeming run of bad luck, poor health or disappointment can lead to us feeling flat, bored, discouraged or low, but by changing our perspective, our mood will change too. Resist blaming life events or other people for how you feel and avoid re-living or telling tales of your disappointments or perceived failures as this only serves to reinforce a negative mood. 

So how can we recover our positivity if we find ourselves in a slump? Well, we could do something that will give us pleasure. Not by eating a bar of chocolate or necking a bottle of gin, but by taking some quality time for ourselves. This could be going for a walk in the park and feeding the ducks, by taking a leisurely bath or by putting your feet up and reading a good book. Doing something creative like baking, sewing or woodwork can be absorbing and distract us from unhelpful thoughts and there's nothing like exercise to lift the mood and get those endorphins flowing. 

Remembering a time when we had some 'get up & go' or felt we were at the top of our game is a swift and effective way to recover those good feelings. Try it now... Close your eyes for a moment and take yourself back to a time when you were feeling really great. See what you saw, hear what you heard and feel what you felt at that time. Experience it as if you're there now. Stay in that moment and enjoy those feelings. Notice how your whole mood and sense of wellbeing can change in just a few moments. Why not decide now to take charge of your state, think yourself into the mood that you want and reconnect with your mojo!

Discover your inner dance diva

Love dancing?  Me too! Dancing can not only feel great, but it can be beneficial physically and mentally too. Whatever you're personality type, you are likely to find a particular style of dance that you enjoy. Dancing covers a huge range from street-dance to waltzing, from ballet to salsa, belly dancing to break dancing, and once you identify what style of dance most resonates with you,  it can be a very fun and liberating experience.
The word 'exercise' can be quite off-putting to a lot of people, however 30 minutes of dancing can be just as, if not more beneficial, than running or the gym. Dancing can have such a positive impact on our lives in so many ways.
International dance day is coming up at the end of this month and it will see an exciting mix of people from many cultures all coming together to express themselves through the dance. International Dance Day was first established by UNESCO in 1982 and is celebrated every year on 29th April. This is the birth date of Jean-Georges Noverre (1727-1810), the creator of modern ballet.
You don't have to be the world's greatest dancer to enjoy the benefits of dancing. The popularity of the TV show 'Strictly Come Dancing'  has triggered a rise in the number of dance classes around the UK and beyond. You don't have to fit the stereotypical view of what a dancer should look like either. In 2012 former Emmerdale star Lisa Riley wowed audiences with her agility and technique.
Her professional dance partner, Robin Windsor said at the time, "I just want to say from day one, this whole experience this year has been absolutely amazing, and Lisa has come out and shown you don’t have to be a certain size to dance, and she’s inspired so many people around the country".  The 21 stone actress dropped an impressive 5 dress sizes whilst filming the show. During an interview with the Daily Express in 2013, Lisa said "The weight continues to fall off me because I am still dancing".
In 2010 Pamela Stephenson, another unlikely 'Strictly' star, proved that even at 61 you're never too old to get dancing. The clinical psychologist, who some may remember as an actress and comedienne in the 1980's, demonstrated not only her talent as a dancer, but her love of dance too. As the show's oldest ever finalist, her six-hour training sessions with partner James Jordan showed that when you have a passion you can achieve great things. Pamela, who is often described firstly as 'wife of Billy Connelly' announced at the time, "Strictly has ignited something in me which I really thought had been lost. I have discovered something I hope will continue for the rest of my life".
Sadly, many people only dance at weddings or when drunk, when they're feeling less inhibited, but to restrict yourself to these occasions is to really miss out on a great form of exercise and fun. Dancing can be very therapeutic and those who 'let their hair down' and don't give a fig about how they look, even when sober, are admired and envied, rather than mocked. Losing yourself in the music, whether it's fast and frantic or slow and controlled, is very beneficial physically and emotionally, as Stephenson and Riley can confirm. So, whether you want to lose weight, get fit or simply have fun, why not make the 29th April your day to dust off your dancing shoes.

Simple steps to get going with your goal

Are you happy with your life? Are you caught up in the day, sleepwalking through life rather than having a plan for your future? Of course, not everyone wants to focus on a goal, and that's fine, but if you feel you're drifting and feel you're missing out, maybe you could ask yourself a few honest questions...

What do you want in life? What would make you truly happy? By this I don't mean what would make you happy for 5 minutes, but what would ultimately make you content? If you had the things you desire, in what way would that change your life? How would it affect others? Is what you want realistic? For example you might say that you really want to win the lottery, but when you break it down, is it the lottery you want to win or simply to be free from financial worries? By looking at it in this way it can become more achievable. You can start looking at the ways that you can help yourself to achieve your goals rather than putting all your hope on the winning lottery numbers.

The next step would be to break your goal down from a year, to a month, to a week, to a day, to an hour, to now in this very moment. What could you be doing right now to achieve your goal? If your goal is financially related, do you really need to spend money on a takeaway when you can alleviate your hunger and be just as satisfied by whipping up something at home. Maybe you could prepare a packed lunch instead of buying a sandwich in a cafe or shop? Over the course of the day do you spend three or four (or more) pounds on cappuccinos when you could make a drink at home or work? All these things add up. A really useful experiment to try is for one week to fight the urge to spend on unnecessary things and instead put that money in a jar and count it at the end of that week. You'll be amazed at how much money you have saved and this knowledge may have you thinking twice the next time you reach for that chocolate bar, magazine or other impulse purchase. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning treating yourself occasionally, but sometimes you can reap bigger rewards by limiting unnecessary treats.

Looking further into the future, ask yourself what you can do in the next month to assist you in your chosen goal? Maybe you could explore training opportunities or enrol on a course which could lead to a new job or career rather than staying in a job that's going no-where or that you don't enjoy. Many people tell themselves that they 'can't' do something, when in truth, they are only held back by their self-limiting beliefs or fear of failure. Have confidence in your ability. Do whatever is necessary to put yourself in the right mind-set to make things happen. Spend time with positive people who will be supportive and who will encourage you in your goals. If you still doubt yourself or lack self esteem, it may be beneficial to invest in some therapy or coaching. Believe in yourself and what you can achieve. We may not have the power to re-write our past but we can be the authors of our own future.

Performance anxiety: Give your mind a make-over.

Nausea? Sweaty palms? Racing heart? Doubt? 
Welcome to the (not so wonderful) world of performance anxiety, something that most of us have felt at some point in our lives. So where does it stem from? How can we control it? 

Well-meaning people might advise practising deep breathing or tell us to 'stay calm' before a performance of some kind. Whilst their intention is to be helpful, just being told to relax, won't necessarily help. Recent studies suggest that there may be more effective ways to get a grip on performance anxiety.

Let's imagine a scenario where you might feel anxious:

After a series of job applications in which you receive polite generic letters thanking you for your application but stating that 'on this occasion you were not chosen' but that 'your details will be kept on file' for future vacancies', joy of joys you open a reply that states 'Thank you for your application, we would like you to come in for an interview'. After doing a victory dance in your living room, slowly the weight of the request starts to creep up on you and what two minutes ago seemed like the best thing in the world, now starts to look the complete opposite. Cue, performance anxiety.

So in the space of those two minutes 'what actually changed?' the answer is 'your mindset'. The situation is exactly the same as it was those two minutes ago, but whereas your initial reaction was jubilation, what you're left with is a sinking feeling as you realise what being asked to come for an interview entails. We only feel this way about things that matter to us - if we didn't care about the outcome, we wouldn't feel this way. Having said that, we probably wouldn't have been dancing around the room in jubilation either.

Believe it or not, a small amount of nervousness can be helpful but it's about knowing how to balance it and not letting it overwhelm you. A recent study from Harvard Business School (1) suggests that pumping yourself up, rather than calming yourself down, might be the answer. Focusing on the excitement of the situation and your ideal outcome will put you in a healthier frame of mind than focusing on your nerves and all the things that could possibly go wrong. Top speakers and performers have used similar techniques for centuries and the more you start to think in this way, the easier it becomes.

When I see clients who want help with presentation nerves, exam nerves or interview nerves, I teach them how to 're-frame' their thinking, to mentally rehearse their desired outcome and to anchor their positive visualisation with a physical or verbal cue. Top speakers and performers have used similar techniques for centuries and the more you start to think in this way, the easier it becomes. So, the next time you feel the waves of dread before a situation in which you need to perform well, embrace your nerves (excitement) and focus on what you want, rather than the opposite. By putting these techniques into practice, you might well be pleasantly surprised with the results.

Who gets depressed?

Who gets depressed and why, has long been a matter of debate. Some people believe it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, but that is just one theory. Some consider this theory to be little more than a guess, as it's not possible to accurately measure these chemicals in the brain.

Others believe that depression is most often a learned behaviour. A child may observe and adopt the parent or carers negativities and ineffectual coping strategies. These might not surface until something negative happens to them later in life. The internal negative feelings may then rise to the surface and the person could then go on to become habitually depressed.

The onset of depression isn't usually triggered by one specific problem. It's generally an accumulation of various problems in life which the individual may have been dealing with, until one extra problem occurs that tips them into a depressive state. When this happens it's easy to assume that that particular problem is the cause of the depression but this is unlikely.

Human beings are creatures of habit which means that the more a person thinks and feels negatively or positively the more this becomes their reality. It is common for people to misunderstand depression and they may assume that a depressed person is being weak or simply feeling sorry for themselves. Critical comments are unhelpful and can leave a depressed person feeling guilty about their thoughts and feelings, which can lead to them feeling more depressed.

Depression is likely to affect a person physically as well as emotionally. They may over or under eat or self-medicate with alcohol. They are likely to sleep too much or be unable to sleep. A decrease in libido, fatigue and anxiety are all linked to depression and they are unlikely to able to find pleasure in anything. Depression can also result in poor concentration, errors of judgment and the inability to make decisions.

No matter the type or severity of the depression, it is possible for the individual to break the cycle. Recognising and acknowledging that they are depressed is the first step towards change and the next step is to obtain the relevant help. Anti-depressants or talking therapy may be offered, but only talking therapies will change the individual's feelings and behaviour long-term. By changing their habits and behaviour, they will change how they feel and break the cycle and expect much better results. By getting therapy and knowing what to do differently, people can change their lives. Depression can be controlled and when treated by a skilled hypnotherapist or talking therapist, the outcome can be excellent.

New ways to feel better fast

When it comes to exercise even the most dedicated of us can occasionally be tempted to put it off until the weather is better, work is quieter, or for a more convenient time. For anyone suffering from depression however, the thought of exercise is unlikely to be appealing. They are much more likely to want to crawl underneath the duvet and hibernate. Does this sound familiar?

So how does exercise help? Well, firstly, it's not possible to worry or feel down at the same time as exercising. Just doing something different is a distraction to negative thoughts and rumination and physical exertion can stimulate the release of endorphins that leave you feeling happier.

An activity such as yoga, can work wonders for your mind and body and can leave you feeling both calmer and more energised. Dog walking can also be a good way to get regular exercise and can be an easy way to meet other people. An early morning walk can help someone mildly depressed to get up and get moving. It can provide some social connection too that might otherwise be avoided. I once knew a man who was 'prescribed' a dog by his GP. Sceptical at first, after getting a dog, he noticed a significant improvement in his mood and become more comfortable with  social interaction.

Vigorous exercise is unlikely to appeal to someone feeling low, and if you've been depressed, you'll understand that, but if it is undertaken, it shouldn't be done too close to bedtime as it is mentally stimulating. Gentle exercise however, can improve sleep quality and mental well-being. The type of exercise chosen can also make a difference; if exercise is fun it is more likely to be continued. 

George W Burns, therapist and author, developed a sensory awareness inventory (SAI) which can be helpful for those experiencing low mood. Therapists using this approach may task a client with making a list of items or activities which give them pleasure, enjoyment or comfort. The categories suggested by Burns are: Sight, Sound, Smell, Taste, Touch and Activity.

I have used this approach with clients and found that the majority of things listed by clients tend to be nature-related. These could be things like the smell of cut grass, the sound of the sea, feeding ducks at the park or stroking an animal. Many of the stimuli listed by clients required them to go outdoors and most were cheap or free. Sadly, very few of these simple pleasures were being pursued by clients feeling low. Busy people too, might neglect nature's restorative qualities; often choosing to turn to alcohol or food instead. 

You don't need to be down to do this. If you like the idea of trying this task, why not draw up your own list. Give yourself plenty of time and list at least 10 things in each category. Then, whether it's exercise you're missing or something outdoors you've not seen or done in a while, commit to doing it. Don't delay, get out, get going and see how you feel. Just doing something can serve to distract you from old thought and behavioural patterns. Enjoy!