Christmas joy or Christmas duty?

Christmas is a time associated with happiness and laughter; time away from your usual routine to spend with family and friends. But Christmas can be a time of dread, despair or depression if you don’t have a family or don’t get on with them. Perhaps throughout the year your support network is your friends, but they are with their families for the festive break. If you have lost someone close to you through bereavement or divorce, the Christmas holidays are a miserable time.

Christmas for many people can be the most stressful time of the year. Most families experience disharmony at times and how serious that disharmony is will often depend on how solid the bond between family members is. Conflict is often a consequence of spending a lot of time with people you don’t see often and maybe you have little in common with. Different values, different personalities, past misunderstandings can all add to tension and friction over the Christmas period.
Family dynamics can be particularly tricky during the holiday period when there is a lot of pressure to be jovial and to enjoy quality time together. Unresolved problems between family members can be reignited in an artificially close and confined environment.

The financial strain of Christmas can cause stress and anxiety too, as families struggle to please or meet the expectation of others to provide gifts, outings and copious amounts of food and alcohol. Many people spend more than they can afford to, running up bills on credit cards and causing a problem into the New Year and beyond.

Days of drinking and close contact with relatives and spouses who you don’t normally spend so much time with can trigger conflict, violence and break-ups. Domestic abuse increases over the holiday period and many divorces are instigated in the New Year when individuals or couples recognise that they no longer love or like their spouse. I often hear clients say that they ‘have to’ spend time with family members they can barely tolerate or that they have no choice about what they do at Christmas, but this is untrue.

The good news is that we always have a choice, even if those choices are tricky or uncomfortable. You can choose to do something different this year and if a different option this year will leave you less stressed, why not? Or if you choose to do the same as usual, maybe you can choose to feel differently about it..? If you want to make some changes, but you’d like help to build your confidence, get in touch.

Thinking like an athlete and other tips for mindset change.

You don’t have to look like an athlete or run like one, but getting yourself in the mindset of an athlete may improve your life. Whilst we may view what sportspeople do as being all down to their physical attributes, most of their success is actually due to the way they think.

Many sports people practice visualisation: they see themselves jumping the longest or highest distance, or coming first in that crucial race. They are totally absorbed in the winning picture. So think what it is you want to achieve and imagine getting there with all the little details: what you can hear and see, the clothes you have on, who is there to see you and what they are saying or doing; you can even imagine the weather. Now think about how you feel about the success. Once you’ve become used to the feelings of success, thoughts can become reality.

Other tools for success include contemplation and reflection, better known as ‘meditation’. If you haven’t meditated before, there are many classes available where you can learn or you can consult a qualified practitioner. The benefits of meditation are numerous, but the ability to think calmly about where you want to be and how you might get there is one. Meditating also helps to lessen any apprehensions you may have, so it’s a good all round way to improve physical and mental wellbeing.

Giving yourself a good talking to and declaring how successful you will be is helpful too; the brain will accept what you tell it and learn to believe it! One cautionary note however, is that what you wish for must be realistic. You are not suddenly going to become a number one recording star, a leading Hollywood film actor or the world’s fastest runner if you’ve never sung, acted or run in your life before! Keep it real and learn all you can about the goal you want to achieve.

To get what you want and achieve your goals you must be totally focused and believe in yourself.  Look at all the successful people you know; what do they have in common?  They are probably driven and not easily diverted. And so it is with athletes, they are tough physically and mentally. So why not give it a go and start imagining what you can achieve today and if you struggle to rid yourself of limiting beliefs or self-defeating behaviours, a coach or hypnotherapist can help you to change your mindset so that you can reach your true potential.

More calories with your caffeine madam?

Do you wrestle with food choices and weight issues? If so, the sad reality is that you are far from being alone in this struggle.

In my hypnotherapy practice in Wimbledon, I see many clients for whom this is a significant problem. For a lot of those seeking help to manage their weight, they have been using food to alter their mood or to feel better about something’ if only for a short time.

Emotional eating or self-medicating with food or drink is nothing new of course, but modern marketing methods definitely don’t help. Only yesterday on a BBC news programme, the problem of retailers and restaurateurs ‘upselling’ calorific foodstuffs was featured. Upselling is the practice of offering bigger portions of food or drink or sweet treats such as cookies or cakes when customers are ordering or paying. Unsurprisingly some companies, who are involved in this profit-boosting exercise, speak of personal choice. I agree individuals are responsible for their own decisions and the consequences of those decisions, but being prompted to buy a muffin (472 calories)* or a cookie (389 calories)* when you simply wanted a coffee (latte with whole milk, 299 calories), makes it all too easy.

The constant search for a solution that can be purchased, either in the form of a diet plan, a slimming club membership or a course of therapy, is exhausting and expensive. Most clients wanting to change their relationship with food try hypnotherapy after they have tried everything else. This is a great shame as it is often effective when other approaches have proved to be unsuccessful for a client.
Hypnotherapy can help to resolve some of the underlying issues that lead to self-soothing with food. As hypnotherapy works by harnessing the power (and co-operation) of the unconscious mind, it has a lot of advantages over deprivation diets. These restrictive diets often fail when stress or life challenges result in the individual  ‘falling off the wagon’.

Food often serves a purpose that is unrelated to nutritional sustenance. The type of food chosen when an individual is stressed, upset, angry or lonely will give a big clue to the person’s eating issues. Food is not a friend and neither is it an enemy, it is just food. And food is fuel.

If you are using food for comfort or to fill a gap in your life, (rather than your belly) why not get in touch. Hypnotherapy is a pleasant and effective therapy which might change your life as well as your waistline!

*STARBUCKS ® Autumn 2017 Beverage Nutrition Information*

5 simple steps to make your day better

Cut down your time on the web
I’ve often heard people say that the internet is ‘a blessing and a curse’ and I’d go along with that. All your what’s, where’s and how’s can be answered in moments, making the internet a great time-saving tool. The internet offers facts, fun, and fantasy, but while you’ve got your head in your desktop or device, you are missing out on many ‘real life’ experiences. How often have you found that an hour (or more) has passed while you’ve been surfing the net or watching YouTube videos?

Human beings need connection and the connection that we get via technology is not as gratifying as the true bond that we experience when we meet, speak and interact with people face to face... or simply take some time to get outside, get some fresh air and get active.

Cross something tedious off your to-do list
Books have been written about the benefits of tackling your to-do list by doing the least appealing task first and there’s good sense in this. Clients tell me they feel good when they cross things off a list, but the tasks that you dread most are the ones that once completed bring the biggest sense of wellbeing. Constantly procrastinating can leave you with chronic stress and this can affect your sleep as well as health. This low-level but persistent stress is likely to stay with you until you tackle that tricky or tedious thing. The sense of liberation which comes when you score it off your list is amazing.


Take some time off (or at least leave work on time!)
Many of us work way too many hours, skipping lunch or staying late. No matter how important or rewarding your job is, working like this long-term will lead to burn out. Taking a day off here and there is a great way to stay sane and re-charge. Ignore any temptation to catch up with chores and catch up with yourself instead (or those close to you). If taking a day off mid-week will make your week more difficult, why not take your ‘me’ day on a Monday or Friday, so you can really switch off and enjoy some free time.

Forget about silent... power off
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is a huge problem and it’s not just youngsters who suffer anxiety if they are separated from their phone or device. Like other forms of compulsive behaviour, checking your screen every few minutes (or seconds) only feeds the need. If you’re not ready for a full digital detox, try leaving it at home when you go shopping or turn it off when you’re watching TV or reading a book. Your focus will be better and you may not even miss it. The world won’t end when you take a break from your phone.

Do something different
All work and no play makes Jack (or Jill) a dull boy/girl – so the saying goes. It’s so easy to slip into a repetitive pattern. If you break with your routine from time to time and do something different, it can really give you a lift. Whether it’s learning a language, taking up tap dancing, brewing your own beer or switching off your screens and reading a book, you are likely to experience a sense of satisfaction and perhaps feel revitalised.

Need some help making these changes?  Book a chat with me now.

How to confront your fear of confrontation

Do you struggle to express yourself?
Do you agree to things that you don’t want to do?
Do you avoid any kind of conflict or confrontation?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you are likely to feel frustrated, envious or ‘put upon’ at times. Others may sense your reluctance to get involved in any kind of dispute and push through their ideas, leaving you feeling resentful or disrespected. In these situations you might give an outward appearance of being ok with their behaviour, but inside the indignation can build. As the ‘need’ to avoid confrontation remains, you might become hostile or sullen. An inability to express your opinion or stand up for yourself can leave you feeling powerless, angry or depressed. This can lead to passive-aggressive behaviour.

What is passive aggressive behaviour?

Passive-aggressive behaviour is the expression of hostility in an indirect way. Those who lack the confidence to be assertive may demonstrate their resentment through procrastination and stubbornness, e.g. by deliberately failing to complete tasks for which they are responsible or being late for something important (thus inconveniencing or causing stress to the person who has upset them).

The problem with being passive-aggressive

Thinking and behaving in a passive-aggressive way can prevent you from achieving your objectives. Constant fretting (or fuming) can be distracting and hold you back.
If you keep silent there will be an assumption that things are alright. People may not be conscious that their actions have upset you, so they are unlikely to modify their behaviour.
When your anger finally erupts, your behaviour may seem unreasonable, OTT and illogical to others. Your irrational behaviour will become the focus and what you are saying is likely to be missed and you may just seem foolish or unhinged.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is an ineffective strategy. As a way of communicating it is totally useless. People cannot read your mind or ‘know’ why you are behaving as you do.

How good would it be to be confident instead?

Of course confidence is not something that is natural to everyone, but it can be learnt. Yes, really! It takes a little courage to step out of your normal pattern of doing things; it also takes thought and practise to make it a habit. Becoming confident and assertive is likely to lead to a happier, healthier and more fulfilled life. Modelling confident people is a good way of learning new, positive behaviours. We’ve all heard the expression ‘fake it until you make it’ and that’s what you’ll be doing. The more you do it, the easier, more natural and automatic it will become
Here are some of the traits of confident, assertive people

• They articulate opinions and beliefs in a logical and composed manner
• They take on board the comments and opinions of others
• They are neither hostile nor submissive
• They look people in the eye and have open body language
• They appear secure in themselves

Ways to self-assurance

• Be aware of your body language; keep your head up and maintain eye contact
• Speak slowly and clearly to increase your chances of being heard and understood
• Be kind to yourself and others; if you want to be heard, you must listen well too
• Remember to be authentic; be true to yourself

If there's something holding you back in life, why not see how I could help... 020 8947 3338

Worried about being a good mum to your newborn?

Becoming a mother is supposed to be one of the greatest times in a woman’s life, but for many, the stresses and anxieties seem to outweigh the pleasures. Some women say they are left feeling alone or in the wrong, as what they’ve read on the web and what they are experiencing don’t seem to match up.

The good news is that it’s natural to feel this way and you are not alone! If you want to avoid feeling inferior or inept, view what you read as just one person’s opinion. By all means do some online research as well as reading books by professionals, but make sure that what you’re reading has a good provenance, that the author is reputable and that any research is recent; expert advice has changed dramatically over the years. Remember too that there never has been, and never will be, a ‘one size fits all’ way to do things. It is OK to make mistakes because that’s how we learn. It’s all about experience.

If however, you are finding that you’re constantly worrying about your baby’s health or that your worries are becoming all-consuming, you may be suffering from anxiety. Symptoms of anxiety include insomnia, hyper-vigilance, irritability, and fatigue, but this is not an exhaustive list. You can expect to feel tired if you’re not getting a full night’s sleep due to feeding, but if you’re awake because you’re fretting or over-thinking, or are constantly checking on your baby because you fear some calamity, you may want to seek some professional support. It’s important to get help to reduce your anxious thinking, or it could end up becoming a longer term disorder which might lead to depression. 

Whilst your new-born will need your attention, it’s important to make time for yourself too, to bring some balance to your life. It doesn’t matter how long or short your ‘me-time’ is, but it is important that you have some. You might want to read your favourite (non baby-related) magazine, pop out for a coffee or have your hair or nails done.  These may seem frivolous things to do, but they can provide a break from ‘baby world’. The shock of going from independent woman, to 24/7 ‘mum’ can be a difficult transition. Loss of identity can contribute to what is trivialised by the term ‘baby blues’. If you make time to ‘take five’ it can do wonders; all the other stuff will still be there later, it may just feel less overwhelming after you’ve had a quick re-set or enjoyed some adult company.  

Simple steps to Mindfulness

Mindfulness, a type of meditation, has been shown to have a positive effect on our health, from better sleep to improved mood and diminished anxiety. In our hectic, technology-driven lives, the ancient practice of mindfulness is more valuable than ever. Mindfulness doesn’t have to take up a lot of time to be worthwhile. A few minutes of Mindfulness in the morning can allow you to start the day calm and with perspective.

Focus on one thing
Many of us lead very busy lives and think non-stop. Smartphones and tablets make multi-tasking all too easy. Attempting to do (and think about) several things at the same time can leave us drained and exhausted. Before you become stressed or overwhelmed, step away from the madness physically or mentally and ponder on the things to be thankful for. Taking time out to reflect on what’s good in your world or simply ‘being in the now’ rather than worrying about the future, can help to reduce stress and act as a ‘pick-me-up’.

Take breaks
In a working environment, it can be all too easy to work non-stop. Skipping breaks or eating lunch while surfing the net allows no opportunity to switch off. An inbox full of emails and a very long ‘to-do’ list, can make taking a break seem un-doable, but your brain and body need time to recharge and restore itself, to avoid mental and physical fatigue. Take regular breaks to stretch your legs and re-focus throughout the day and at lunchtime make an effort to go outside, get some fresh air and just enjoy the present moment.

Eat Consciously
Consuming too many sweet or unhealthy foods not only impacts on your weight but your emotions and general well-being too. Choosing healthier options at mealtimes will impact positively on your mood and emotional state as well as your physical self. To help you to do this, practise Mindfulness before your meal. Turn off any gadgets and really focus on what you’re about to eat. Eat slowly and savour each mouthful. Notice the taste and texture of the food and take pleasure in it. Eating consciously, rather than unconsciously will often help reduce the volume of food you eat.

Be aware of others
Meditation might be seen as an introspective behaviour, but the practise of Mindfulness can change how we view and consider others. Doing something that will benefit others can really improve self-esteem and well-being. Living your life in a mindful way will reap rewards both at work and at home; spreading contentment amongst your colleagues, friends and family as well as you. Win-win!

Tips to reduce anxiety - Part 2

Everyone experiences anxiety differently and what will stress out one individual will not faze another. Therapy for help to break anxious thinking patterns is very helpful and hypnotherapy is a great way to make changes. It's also good to remember that we can learn ways to control our reactions to triggers. Here are some helpful tips that you can apply yourself to help you to manage your thinking patterns. 

Stop Thinking, Start Doing

Do you spend ages internally debating what to do whenever you need to decide on something? Do you worry about the consequences of making the ‘wrong’ choice? Maybe you have a ‘gut feeling’ but don’t trust your intuition. Or perhaps you do act on your ‘inner voice’ but only after running every scenario through your mind first. Weighing up the pros and cons of a situation is fine of course, as long as you just do it once! Dithering for days or weeks (or more!) before making a decision is time-consuming, exhausting, and keeps you in a stuck state; the more you fret, the less you do!

Rein in your irrational thoughts

Do you find yourself focusing on the worst possible outcome in a situation? Do you have ‘runaway’ thoughts that get increasingly negative or extreme? Perhaps your thoughts follow a familiar pattern that always ends in an imagined ‘disaster’. You may appreciate that these thoughts are irrational, but feel you have no control over them. Distraction is what is needed here. When you find yourself starting down this track, Stop! Get busy with something else; no-one is anxious all the time and when you are absorbed in something else, you can forget to stress. Yes, really!

Put the past in the past
Do you re-run conversations, thinking how things would have been if you had said or done something
different? Do you ‘rehearse’ various outcomes or imagine how others would have responded if you’d said the ‘right’ thing or done something ‘better’? Ruminating in this way leads to depression, as the inability to change things can leave a sense of helplessness. Focus on the present and leave the past in the past. Running a post-mortem on past conversations or events doesn’t change anything except your mood! 

Meditation and self hypnosis to reduce anxiety

For many, reducing stress, gaining a sense of inner peace or finding a meditation course is on a list of New Year’s resolutions.  If you’ve never been, the thought of a meditation class (or anything new and different) can provoke significant anxiety.  It’s not well understood what you actually do once you are there and there is often a real sense of fear about turning up and ‘doing it wrong’.
Perhaps you’ve tried meditation before and discovered exactly how difficult it can be to still your internal chatter.  The process of slowing down, of sitting still might seem to bring your thoughts rushing to the forefront of your mind, clamouring for attention.  “What am I going to do after this?” “What should I have for lunch” “Am I doing this right?” “Am I doing this the same as everyone else?

You’ll probably find that eventually, your mind begins to quiet.  You’ll find a way to bring your attention to your breath, focusing fully on breathing in and breathing out.  Within that space there is a focus and a concentration, but there’s also a sense of stillness.  It’s definitely not that you’re doing nothing, but you probably won’t be able to quite explain what it is that you are doing. You will however discover a sense of peace and acceptance that is very beneficial.

There’s a lot of evidence that meditating can assist with reducing anxiety. Mindfulness (a style of meditation) has become extremely popular over the last few years because of the benefits to mental health associated with it. Classes are being held in schools and it is has also been introduced into large corporations to reduce stress and to improve performance.

Mindfulness and meditation are not relaxation techniques, but are likely to instill a sense of calm. By paying attention to your breathing, becoming focused on your senses and being ‘in the now’ you can enjoy a stillness that can really help to reduce anxious thinking and depressive thoughts.
If learning meditation isn’t for you, then you might find hypnosis or self-hypnosis is easier. In hypnosis you can access similar relaxed, yet focused states of mind. In my role as a hypnotherapist I regularly teach my clients self-hypnosis, often using a Mindfulness approach. Learning these easy techniques can help anxious clients to have a greater sense of control of their mood or state of mind.